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THIS THING BETWEEN US
by
Disclaimer: Alternative Hurt/Comfort and some allusion to childhood abuse
For Diana, who brings out the best in me …Happy Birthday, Baby!
My thanks to Extra, Kam, and Jlynn for beta help on this one and to all the Circlers who inspire me to do what I love best.
© December 11, 2002
Dream
I dreamed we were walking along the river.
Unmindful of sweat and mosquitoes,
Arms linked and laughing, I said
I wanted to tell you something . . .
I woke up instead.
Allowing my eyes to adjust to the darkness,
Embraced by blankets, I tipped across
The frigid floor. Breath rising upon air
And fogging the window pane, a sigh . . .
The lake was frozen.
It's strange, isn't it? - how we hold on to childhood resentments even throughout
our adulthoods; yet those things that happen to us as adults we tend to just
shake off or pass off … as just life.
Maybe it's because in our innocence as children we are shocked by the betrayal
of trust and it's those betrayals from our childhoods that shape so many unalterable
traits that follow us into adulthood - traits that we often don't like within
ourselves; fears, phobias, and insecurities..
It was certainly a theory, Kate believed, as she stood staring into the dark
fireplace of her posh two-story family home. She'd won possession of the house
during her divorce; a bitter victory. Craig had been a bastard. But that …
was just a part of life. He'd tried to take her for everything she was worth
and had nearly won.
She'd been determined that he not get a dime of the money her parents had worked
so hard for and had left for her in their wills. And he hadn't. It'd cost her
... The victory had cost her dearly; public humiliation. Everyone in town now
knew, knew the kind of hell she had survived while married to him.
It didn't matter, really; that was just a part of life as well. She didn't care
what people thought of her life, or what they whispered behind her back. They
didn't know her. They didn't know her mind or her heart. Craig hadn't even known
her. Even her parents hadn't. If they had, they'd probably have carted her off
somewhere or at the very least discreetly gotten her into therapy.
She unfurled her long legs from their comfortable position on the couch. It
was almost six o'clock. "She'll be here soon." Her heart raced unexpectedly
at the thought and for the first time since issuing the dinner invitation, she
wished she hadn't. She glanced at the phone beside her on the end table. Reaching
for it, she recalled the woman's hotel number by heart. "I should never
have invited her here." My God! She grabbed up the phone, What was I thinking?
The invitation had come rushing out of her mouth, before she'd had time to think
about what she had been saying. She had been there on the sidewalk standing
in front of Jake's Pharmacy. Kate hadn't been watching where she was going.
She had rushed out of the pharmacy and had nearly plowed right into her. Two
strong hands had caught her gently, preventing the collision. She'd known, before
she'd even heard that voice, to whom those hands belonged.
"Careful now." The voice had been gentle. Kate could feel the smile
behind the words and then suddenly, there had been that shocked whisper, "Kate?"
"Hello, Tersa." She finally looked up at the woman. Kate hadn't known
what she had expected to feel when she had finally met the woman's eyes. She
hadn't expected the suddenly painful lurching of her heart or the rapid racing
of her pulse, and the near paralyzing fear.
Tersa had seen that fear immediately. She had lowered her gaze guiltily and
had withdrawn her hands from the woman abruptly as though she had done something
wrong. "How are you?" she had asked with genuine interest. Kate had
noticed the woman had taken two steps back and she had been grateful for that.
"I'm good." Kate's voice had been tremulous when she spoke. "And
you?"
"Great, actually." She had looked at Kate earnestly and had sighed.
"Kate, I'm so sorry," she had whispered in a rush. "I wish I
could take …"
"It's alright, Tersa." Kate had forced a small smile, and had begun
to feel a little uncomfortable, as people had passed them by, casting curious
glances in their direction. A few passersby had nodded amicably and said hellos.
Kate had merely nodded politely before turning her attention back to Tersa,
who had appeared ready to bolt. "Look, I'd really like to play catch up
with you." Kate had smiled, while internally unable to believe what she
had been hearing herself say. "How about dinner tonight? I'll cook."
She'd known from Tersa's wide eyes that she had been just as shocked by the
invite as Kate had.
"Are you sure about this?" Tersa had taken a step forward. Her eyes
searching Kate's with genuine concern. Strangely, it had warmed Kate, seeing
that concern in Tersa's eyes. Kate had smiled genuinely then.
"Yes. I'm sure." And she had been, at the time. They had made their
plans, quickly exchanging telephone numbers and Tersa had assured her she remembered
how to get to Kate's family home.
They had said their shy ‘see ya laters.' And now it was after six and Tersa
would be there in an hour and …Calm down, woman, it's just dinner!
Kate put the phone back on the receiver. "I have to do this." The
only way to get over the past was to confront it. Tersa was a part of the past;
a major part of a painful past that Kate needed to understand.
Kate put the phone back on the receiver. "I have to do this." The
only way to get over the past was to confront it. Tersa was a part of the past;
a major part of a painful past that Kate needed to understand.
Adding the finishing touches to the table settings, Kate nearly leapt out of
her skin when the doorbell rang promptly at seven. She quickly answered the
door, her heart hammering wildly in her chest and she wondered if fear was evident
in her face.
Tersa stood there, on the threshold clutching a package in her arm, looking
herself as if she might bolt. Light brown eyes wide and not quite meeting Kate's
face. She's scared! Kate smiled internally at that and relaxed marginally, inviting
her guest in.
"I uh … didn't know what you were preparing for dinner." Tersa
cleared her throat, still not quite meeting Kate's close scrutiny. "So,
uh … I picked out a bottle of white and one red." She hastily offered
the package to Kate who smiled gratefully, accepted the wine and lead her guest
to the dining room.
"We'll have the white with dinner and the red after," she decided.
Tersa only nodded nervously and took her seat at the table.
Dinner was easy enough; they managed to talk with relative ease, avoiding the
topic of high school, avoiding any mention of Kate's marriage and subsequent
divorce.
Kate was hungry to know about Tersa's successful acting career and why the woman
had simply walked away from it.
"It just wasn't me," Tersa offered with a smile.
"Are you kidding!?" Kate sat back in her seat staring at the woman
with shock. "You were fucking amazing up there on screen, so passionate
and..."
"You've seen my movies?"
"Of course I have." Kate smiled proudly. "There's not a goddamned
soul in Beaumont that hasn't." Tersa stared at Kate with more than a little
surprise, and unsure what was happening or why she was even there. Kate certainly
had no reason to want to see her, unless of course this was all about getting
even, getting revenge. She had to admit to herself that she had considered that
for a brief moment, and she had been willing to give Kate just that; to let
the woman dish out her brand of comeuppance. But that wasn't Kate. It had been
years since she'd last seen the woman. Well, she'd been merely a girl then,
yet still somehow she knew this wasn't about revenge at all.
"So are you happy, publishing?" Kate interrupted her private musing.
"Yes I am." Tersa smiled broadly. "I actually feel like I'm accomplishing
and contributing to something worthwhile." She laughed huskily. "I
was never cut out for the movie business."
"Oh, why is that?" Kate frowned.
"Not big enough of a Bitch." Tersa smiled.
"Funny, that's not how I remember you." She gasped the moment after
she'd delivered that bitter retort. And had been just as surprised by the stark
pain in Tersa's eyes the moment she'd said it. Tersa forced a small laugh.
"Touché." With trembling fingers she raised her wine glass
in salute. "I deserved that. I know I deserved that." Tersa's lips
quivered as she took a sip. She managed to set the glass back on the table steadily,
but she couldn't bring herself to meet her hostess's hazel eyes, afraid of the
hatred she might find in them. She busied her mind studying the tiles of the
floor, as she tried to piece her heart back together. She had no idea why that
comment had sliced through her as badly as it had, but those seven words had
cut her to shreds.
"I'm sorry," Kate husked softly. "I honestly don't know where
that came from," she breathed out heavily.
"Oh, I think we both know." Tersa braved meeting the woman's close
regard. Her jaw worked nervously, a habitual gesture when Tersa was upset. Kate
was familiar with the action from the past. Only this time, rather than being
frightened, she felt the sudden urge to reach out with a gentle finger and stroke
the clenched jaw until the woman relaxed. She withdrew from the strange trance
and met those soft brown eyes and managed a smile.
"Help me clean up a bit, and then we'll settle in the den with a bottle
of wine." Just like that, she had uttered those words as if she was used
to taking charge, and Tersa nodded like an obedient child or a contrite lover
and immediately began helping her with the dishes and putting away the leftovers.
It was new, yet familiar. They moved about the kitchen with relative ease as
though they'd had years of practice with one another, only occasionally stopping
to share a nervous glance or pulling away quickly upon noticing that they were
standing much to close for people with the sort of past that they had shared.
Tersa followed the woman into the den. She carried a new bottle of wine and
the cork. Kate held the wineglasses, perfectly content to leave the uncorking
of the bottle to her guest. Tersa poured the drinks liberally. She needed the
fortitude. They had a bit of nastiness ahead of them and she knew things had
the potential of becoming very ugly.
She'd caused Kate a great deal of pain when they were kids, and she wanted to
apologize for that. Even after so many years, she still felt horrible at how
cruel she'd been to the girl. Looking back, as she often did in retrospect,
she had known even then that Kate had a quiet gentleness about her that always
seemed to remain untouched. She had hated that back when they were younger;
that Kate was such a good person when she herself wasn't.
With a slight raise of a brow, Tersa sat down on the love seat, settling in
the corner as comfortably as her taunt nerves would allow, whilst Kate sat down
beside her, claiming the opposite corner for herself.
The two women studied each other for a long moment. Each of them knowing there
was much to be said, yet neither of them knowing where to begin. Kate looked
away first as a deep sadness settled around her. She was losing her nerve and
now she was wishing again that she had never done this. Wished she'd never made
that impulsive dinner invitation. She'd wanted to talk ... to confront her fears,
her demons ... She had thought that if she told Tersa off, maybe she could get
her life back on track, take back the pieces of her heart that Tersa had taken
with her when she'd left ten years ago.
The woman who was sitting beside her now, was so different from the bully that
had made Kate's life such hell back then, when they were kids and confused,
neither of them knowing which way was up and could barely make plans broader
than what to wear to the prom. The only things that had not changed were Tersa's
beauty and the quiet strength she had exuded as a child, a strength that Kate
still felt from the woman's being. As a child she'd wonder from where that strength
had come and had wondered even more how someone so beautiful could be so cruel.
"Craig was an abusive husband." Kate was horrified as the words fell
from her own lips. But she couldn't stop them. She looked past Tersa over her
shoulder at a painting on the wall. The painting was a favorite of Kate's. It
depicted a lovely couple sitting by a waterfall. A picnic. The people in that
painting were beautiful and they looked happy. She had often tried to imagine
how it felt to be happy like that. "It took me seven years to tire of it
all. Seven years to leave him."
Tersa stared at the delicate beauty before her, not daring to make a sound.
She needed to hear this. She needed answers to questions that were burning in
her head ... questions she'd been plagued with for ten years. "He was nice
in the beginning, took me places ... of course," she laughed bitterly,
"it was with my money," Kate whispered that last softly, a vinegary
smile tugging at her lips. "He never missed the opportunity to tell me
how beautiful I was. How lucky he was to have found me." She looked away
from the painting and glanced shyly at Tersa and then away, her eyes wandering
back to the painting again.
"He was gentle the first time we made love." Her eyes darkened "And
I ... sensed that he wasn't used to that ... to being gentle ... he … uh,"
she swallowed nervously. "He didn't really start to get rough until after
we'd gotten engaged. I didn't like it at first ... but the way he was so ...
he reminded me of..." she took a deep breath. "I was like most battered
wives always thinking things would get better that he didn't mean it, that he
was just stressed out ... After all, it was hard for him to adjust to the fact
that his wife was worth more then he'd ever make in a lifetime." She shuddered.
"I didn't even complain when he began to see other women. I knew I didn't
satisfy him in bed. How could I, when nothing he did could satis ... I suppose
I was too afraid to respond to anything, never knowing what might make him angry,
what might cause him to beat me again. So I would just lie there while he..."
Tersa closed her eyes, her heart aching. ‘I caused this.' A strangled cry
caught in her throat. She wanted to scream. She opened her eyes forcing the
anguish down, coaxing herself into relaxing.
"Kate," she spoke, breaking through the woman's daze. Kate looked
at her with turbulent emotions flashing in her now green eyes. In the past she
could always read Kate by the color of her eyes. "Kate, why didn't you
ever tell anyone? Why didn't you...?" They weren't talking about Craig
anymore.
"I ... It never occurred to me," Kate answered softly. "I guess,
as with Craig, I always hoped that you would change ... that the next day would
be different. That one day you would stop." she looked away again as a
terrible ache thrummed in her chest. "And you did stop ... you left. You
left me." She closed her eyes. "And I was so relieved that you were
gone; but I was so hurt too because you ... you never once even said goodbye,
Tersa. You just … left as if all of it were nothing - as if I was nothing
and I hated myself for being hurt by your leaving. God!" She took a deep
breath. "I still loved you."
"How could you?" Tersa whispered brokenly. "God, Kate how could
you have ever loved me?"
"Because you weren't always mean." Kate managed a small smile, "And
even when you beat me up, you never let anyone else do it." They both managed
a bitter laugh at that. "You never allowed anyone to pick on me ... in
some twisted fashion you were as much my hero as you were my tormentor. I always
wanted to be big and strong like you. No one ever hurt you or teased you and..."
"My father did," Tersa spoke softly. Kate froze for a moment; she
had never known that. "He never missed the opportunity to beat the shit
out of me." Tersa leaned over and picked up the bottle of wine. She poured
them each another glass then handed one of the glasses to Kate before claiming
her own. "It took a long time for me to lose that chip on my shoulder.
It took a long time for me to heal from that ... from you." Kate looked
up at her stunned. "I've never been more ashamed of anything, than I have
been at the way I treated you. That's why I stayed away from here. I ... didn't
think I could face you. I was afraid to face you."
"Why now?" Kate's question rushed out on a breath.
"When I'd heard you were married, I had hoped you had found someone who
made you happy, someone who would make you forget how..." she took a drink
of her wine and shook her head unsure how to go on. She met Kate's frank regard
and offered a small smile. "I saw Eve at a party last week in Maine. She
told me about your divorce and that he had been ... abusive. I guess …
I just wanted to know - wanted to make sure you were alright."
"Being the unlikely hero again." Kate's voice was edged with sourness.
"Kate, I'm sorry," she spoke suddenly. "I'm sorry, I hurt you.
I'm sorry I took my pain out on you. I'm sorry I hated you for being beautiful,
for being perfect. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this sooner. I'm sorry I made
you feel like you deserved cruelty." She sat her wine glass down on the
table and moved just slightly closer towards the other woman. "You didn't,
Kate. You never did. You never deserved any of that. You never will deserve
that." She turned her body to face the woman squarely. "I know these
are just words, and they don't erase the past ... they don't take away the pain
of those memories, and I wish I could. I wish I could take it all away, every
cruelty I ever visited upon you."
"You changed my whole life, my whole world, Tersa." Kate's voice broke
and she clamped her lips together until she strangled the threatening emotional
outburst. She looked at her guest, and studied her unguardedly for a long moment.
Tersa's skin was a light creamy pecan brown. Kate remembered looking at her
when they were teenagers, thinking how beautiful brown really was, staring at
her for long moments at a time until Tersa would finally tire of it and turn
her light brown eyes onto Kate to angrily ask her, "what'chyou looking
at, kid?" Her eyes so intense that it seemed minutes before Kate could
open up her mouth to speak and stammer…
"N ... n … nothing. I was just..."
"Yeah, well, look somewhere else!" And Kate would, only occasionally
sneaking peeks at Tersa out of the corner of her eyes. Tersa had been an enigma
to her ... someone you worshiped and not because they were bigger or stronger,
but because she knew that Tersa was going to do big things, important things.
Tersa made things happen. Good or bad she was a mover and a shaker. She'd seen
Tersa with friends and how they responded to her humor and charm. People had
worshipped her. She had been captain of the basketball team. She had been an
honor student. Tersa was smart. But she had stayed in trouble. With her flippant
attitude, she'd been sent to the principal's office regularly. And she hadn't
been mean to everyone, just mostly to Kate - who hadn't understood why ... she
still didn't. Yet, Tersa had made it a point of knowing where Kate was at all
times, who she was talking to or hanging around with. Beating the crap out of
anyone who threatened or hurt Kate.
It was strange how no one had ever guessed what was going on. No one had suspected
anything. To Tersa's friends Kate was just another ‘Tersa groupie.' Kate's
family saw Tersa only as the girl that kept the other kids from picking on their
daughter. They welcomed the fact that Tersa was black and older, they had played
into the stereotype. They saw the perfect bodyguard, someone who could fight,
and that meant that their daughter was protected on the school grounds and while
walking home.
Kate continued her study of the woman sitting just inches from her. She looked
softer and even more beautiful. It made her ache. Tersa had grown her hair out.
In high school, she had always worn it short - long on top but shaved close
on the sides and in the back. Now it fell in soft waves to just past her shoulders.
A few strands fell over her eyes, and it made Kate think of Jessica Rabbit.
She smiled.
"What is it?" Tersa asked, mildly surprised by the smile. The smile
faded and its place a look of such sadness it cut her heart.
"Tersa, why?" Kate spoke so softly that the words were barely audible.
"Why were you so mean to me? Why did you hate me so much?"
"I didn't…" Tersa closed her eyes "…hate you."
Sighing deeply she whispered, "not really. I hated that you were rich.
I hated that your family seemed to love you so much, and that you were so perfect,
so good, but I didn't hate you, Kate." She glanced down at her fingers
noticing that they had curled into fists in her lap and relaxed them. "I
didn't even hate those things about you." She met green eyes helplessly,
"I don't know how to explain it really. I wanted to hate you. But at the
end of each day I ... could hardly wait ‘til the next day to see you again,
and it made me angry to feel like that. I don't..." She closed her eyes.
"It took me a long time, and fifty thousand dollars in therapy fees to
figure out what I was feeling and why I was feeling those things.
I thought there was something wrong with me and I blamed you for that; because,
I never felt those things for anyone but you. Not at the time. Every night my
Dad reminded me of why you could never trust people, especially people you loved
and I..." Kate's eyes widened. She set down her drink and stood abruptly
to her feet in agitation. Tersa swore at herself inwardly. She'd said too much.
With a heavy sigh she stood as well. She walked across the room coming to a
stop behind Kate who stood looking unseeingly out the window. Kate leaned forward
resting her head on the cool glass.
Her emotions were in a whirl; her thoughts in turmoil. She wrapped her arms
around herself for comfort. She didn't want to cry … she wasn't going to
cry ... she refused to cry. She swore inwardly she would not cry, as one lone
tear made its way down her cheek followed by another until her eyes began to
blur from the tears.
Tersa let out a ragged breath. "I'm … I'm sorry." She moved her
hands hesitantly, raising them and letting them come to rest on Kate's shoulders.
"I've upset you. I didn't want to do that, Kate." Kate's shoulders
were soft and warm through the thin sheer material covering them. There was
the faint scent of some exotic perfume. It was intoxicating. She gave those
shoulders a gentle squeeze. "I should leave now," she whispered softly
in Kate's ear. Kate suppressed the tremble that threatened to envelope her.
"Thank you for dinner, Kate." Before pulling away, Tersa pressed her
lips to a temple. "You are so beautiful. Even more so then I remembered."
With that Kate felt her pulling away. Felt her fears giving away to another
pain, another ache in her heart.
"Don't," she whispered, moving her hands up to trap Tersa's stronger
ones on her shoulder. "Don't go. Not yet." She closed her eyes, willing
Tersa to stay, willing her not to pull away from her. But those hands did move
from her shoulders and Kate bit back the sob of anguish threatening to erupt
from her lips. But suddenly those hands, those arms, were reaching around her
waist and Kate breathed again, as she felt herself being pulled back protectively
against Tersa's much taller frame.
It was strange to Kate, that the only one that could ease her hurt, that could
give her comfort, was the one person responsible for that hurt. She'd waited
ten years for this. Ten years to feel this warmth from the only person she'd
ever wanted it from - the one person who had denied her this comfort so long
ago. How is it possible to need your tormentor? She could not fathom it, but
she had needed Tersa. Even her meanness had been preferable to the aching loneliness
and longing she had endured all those years.
Is it a sickness? Am I crazy? Perverse? She had none of the answers. Kate only
knew the only place she ever wanted to be was right where she was, in Tersa's
arms. "Tersa," she whispered softly. "What is this thing between
us?" Strong arms tightened around her waist gently. "How can I feel
like this?" She opened her eyes as a hand opened up, flattening out on
her belly and a thumb moved gently across her stomach. She pressed further into
the body behind her. Tersa didn't answer the question. Kate hadn't really expected
her to. She's as confused as I am. She felt empowered by that; lifted up in
equality to the one individual that had so often in her mind, loomed wiser,
stronger, and so much larger than life. One arm moved from around her waist
and rose to allow fingers to caress Kate's left cheek. The back of Tersa's left
hand moved gently across the woman's face. And Kate was content to remain like
that. To go no further, to never look back again.
But once again she felt the body behind her tense and prepare to pull away.
And the ache in her heart began to return.
Tersa pulled away. She had to leave before things got out of hand. She'd come
here to apologize, not to take advantage of Kate's fragile emotions. And if
she didn't leave now, she knew she'd be doing just that. She backed a safe distance
away, watching helplessly as those beautiful shoulders began to slump again.
And she wanted to turn away before Kate pinned those green eyes on her, those
haunting verdant eyes. But she couldn't and when Kate turned slowly... so slowly
that it seemed that time and the rest of the world was falling away from that
moment, Tersa knew her own opportunity to escape was gone. She tried to look
away - to look anywhere but into those eyes but she could not. She looked into
pools of sorrow, etched with confusion and need.
"I need you," Kate spoke and the words seemed to flow over Tersa like
a soft timid caress. She's much braver than I am. Tersa wondered at that. I
would have never admitted that first. "I don't have much of an existence
without you ... without your fire, your liveliness." She held out a hand,
silently asking that Tersa accept her offering. "I can't breathe without
you, Tersa."
"How can you say that?" Tersa took a step towards her. "I was
so cruel to you, Kate." Her voice was just barely above a whisper, "I
bullied you for four years." She shook her head with confusion as her features
twisted with self-contempt. "How can you just …"
"Love you?" Kate spoke the question with a strong voice. "I don't
know," she answered with a sad smile, but her eyes had resumed their normal
hazel color. "Maybe the only way I could heal from that was to ... to keep
loving you." She took the steps that brought her within inches of the taller
woman. Tersa would have to take those last steps herself. "I don't think
it really matters any more, Tersa, do you?"
"Then what does matter?" Tersa's voice trembled. Her hands rested
down at her sides impotently, when all she wanted to do was reach out and hold
onto something real, something that could heal the ache in her own heart. But
she didn't deserve it. God! She just didn't deserve it. And she couldn't pretend
that she did. "I can't," she sobbed softly. Kate stifled a cry of
pain and forced herself to remain still.
"Tersa," she spoke softly, "You want to know what matters? Well,
nothing else does, Tersa, only this," She opened her arms. "I love
you … I love you as much as you need me to. And you know it." Their
eyes met and held. "And you love me. I can feel it." She sighed heavily.
"I'm so tired of hurting, Tersa, and I'm so tired of missing you. I just
want to heal, and it's time for you to heal too." She waited quietly. "Tersa
…" she implored. "I love you."
Strong arms wrapped around her, and Kate released a sob as she was enveloped
in their warmth. The missing parts of her fragile heart were coming together.
Tersa's head lowered until her chin came to rest on top the smaller woman's
head. "I do love you, Kate," she whispered softly. "I do love
you, and I'm so sorry hurt that I you." She was weeping now like a child,
and Kate cradled her head in the crook of her neck. And it all made sense. Kate
knew why she'd never been able to let go. Her heart had been waiting for this
and now here she is, the Tersa she had longed for, the real Tersa she had sensed
hidden behind that abusive teenage mask. The strong hands that had long ago,
so often struck her in anger had become the gentle hands that had kept her from
falling at the pharmacy. The cocky and arrogant youth - now the vulnerable woman
weeping in her arms now. This time Kate was the strong one. She let Tersa borrow
her strength.
Kate whispered soft assurances as she grabbed the woman by the hand. She led
her up the stairs to the master bedroom. She wasn't sure if they were beginning
anew. It didn't feel new, although they had never made love. They'd never even
kissed, but somehow, Kate felt this would be like that moment earlier, when
Tersa had quietly followed her from the dinner table into the kitchen - like
something pivotal was happening, yet comfortable and familiar.