Fortress

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FORTRESS

Disclaimer:

There is a love/sexual relationship depicted although not too explicitly b/n the main characters. If under age 18, or you find this type of subject offensive, or this type of material is illegal in your state of residence, you may wish to pass on this story. This is classified as a hurt/comfort story. If you are sensitive to this type of material you may wish to read something other than this story. There is the use of what many consider profanity in this story. If you are sensitive to this type of thing or are under age 18 and/or find this type of language offensive, you may wish pass on this story.

Part 4 in the Pieces series

"I love you."

"I know you do."

"Do you? Do you really know that I love you?"

Alex studied her lovers face closely, surprised by the question. Miranda's face was devoid of any hint of teasing. Her arms still held Alex securely to her, but her eyes were filled with uncertainty. Alex looked away bashfully; suddenly shy under such frank scrutiny. An arm slid from around her waist and a finger was under her chin lifting it gently, causing her to meet that earnest gaze again.

"Don't hide from me, Love. You're safe here." Miranda was accustomed to her lover's sudden nervousness when confronted about or asked to share her true feelings on their relationship. It was underhanded perhaps, but she knew the only way to get Alex to share what was in her heart and mind was to catch her off guard as she had just done. "I know we rushed into this, and things are pretty intense between us." She kissed her then. Really just a brief brushing of lips.

"I lov . . ."

"Shhh . . ." Miranda placed a finger to her lovers lips. "I know you love me." She removed the finger but not before running the tip of it lovingly across soft lips. "But do you know that I love you?" Alex resisted the urge to lower her head again. She shivered and took a deep breath. Sometimes it was hard to concentrate when Randa's full attention was on her like this. It made her feel as though her soul were open and exposed. It made her feel vulnerable.

"I . . . yes," she answered softly.

"But . . ." Miranda encouraged gently.

"Sometimes I..." She bit down on her bottom lip. "Sometimes I'm not sure." She took a deep breath and expelled it. Miranda had already known the answer, but still it hurt to hear it. She kept her gaze steady and remained quiet. She was determined to break down the last barriers between them. She loved Alex's strength and independence, but it was time for Alex to realize, she didn't always have to be strong. That it's okay to need someone sometimes. And she was sure that's what it was. Alex was afraid of needing, of becoming dependent upon their love.

Miranda gave her love a gentle squeeze, an encouragement for her to continue. Alex knew the answer hurt and now she was upset at herself for voicing it. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Miranda. That's why she was always so determined to keep such things as this bottled up. Yet her silence and frequent periods of withdrawal were hurting her lover too.

Often Alex found herself trying to choose the lesser of the two evils. Which would hurt her lover less, sharing her feelings or withdrawing for awhile so that she could get a handle on them. The latter was most often her choice as she found herself often unable to communicate her feelings verbally. And she was afraid that her constant insecurities and fear would drive Miranda away. Alex was all too accustomed to people saying, 'share anything with me; you can tell me anything'.

Everyone wanted to believe they were the type of person a friend or lover could share everything with, but more often than not it wasn't true. And more times then not, Alex had believed that line, only to find that she had revealed too much or given too much of herself to the wrong person. They either took things the wrong way, couldn't handle what she had to say, or thought they were getting a clue as to how to handle and manipulate her. What she'd gained from the experiences, was a good lesson in trust, or at least distrust.

And it wasn't so much that she distrusted people. It was that she trusted people to be exactly what they are, people. Limited in their view of love, life, and death: and fearful of truth. And it left her feeling terribly alone, and terribly weary. Her philosophy on love, was ingrained within her very nature. It wasn't something her parents or their ridiculous religion had taught her. It was instilled in her at the moment of conception. Love for Miranda demanded nothing less than her complete surrender to it. Her utter trust in it. And her total acceptance of it. And she warred with this very nature of herself because to live by it meant she would be hurt again and again and again, because no one else seemed to understand such a concept.

Being in love for her wasn't a simple matter 'of this is the person I wish to share my life with.' For her it was 'this is the person I wish to give myself to' and even that in itself was a deceptively simple statement. Most people she'd met had no idea of the exact meaning behind the words body and soul, but she did and it frightened her to be that vulnerable. There could never be any middle ground for her. It was always all or nothing and she often wanted to curse the universe for this peculiarity in her personage. It wasn't fair that she should be given such multidimensional emotions in a world where only one-dimensional emotions applied.

Miranda was patiently quiet, sensing a war going on within her lover, one she knew she should not disturb. But she wanted to offer reassurance, to help the best in Alex win out, so she lowered her head and captured Alex's lips in a kiss hoping to say in the simple gesture what words alone could never convey. 'I love you. I accept you. I trust you. Trust me to love you: no matter what.'

Alex responded to the kiss hungrily desperate to believe in their promise but ... how could she trust this when she could never even trust in the love of the very people who had brought her into the world. She held on tightly to Miranda, a soft moan vibrating in her throat as she felt herself surrendering to that kiss. Fear seized her again and Alex broke the kiss abruptly and took a few moments to catch her breath.

"I do trust you." she whispered finally breaking the long silence. "At least a part of me does and the rest of me wants to." She looked at her love for a moment. "I look at you and all I want to do is surrender everything I am to you." Alex's eyes teared and she looked away. "Do you have any idea how frightening that is? I want to share everything that is in my soul with you. To have you know me, truly know me. All of my fears and doubts. Every dream. Every hope. All my failures. I want to share with you all the things that torture me in the night and all the things that haunt me during the day. I want you to know all the things that make me laugh and cry; share every secret I've ever protected and every fantasy I've ever imagined."

Alex pulled away a little. "But I know that I can't do that." Miranda's heart constricted tightly in her chest at that declaration. Alex bit her bottom lip and stared over Miranda's shoulder. She didn't want to see the hurt she knew was in her love's eyes. "Things happened to me," Alex whispered, "that would probably destroy most people. I've done things I'm ashamed of and to this day those memories make me cringe. Sometimes ... sometimes I can feel my soul writhing in pain."

"Oh Alex." Miranda lowered her head to Alex's shoulder for a moment, then raised her head again. "Can't you see, there's nothing you could tell me that would make me stop loving you." Alex sobbed as pain squeezed her chest.

"You can't say that, Randa. You don't know that." She shook her head vehemently. "Everyone wants to believe in forever, and there's no such thing. There's only the past, the present, and the now." She pulled away completely from her lover and Miranda felt the wall beginning to solidify between them. Alex rose from the bed and moved across to stand at the wide bay window over looking the city. She wrapped her arms around herself and resumed talking, her back still to Miranda. "I learned very early not to talk about when I was hurting. Or the things I felt were important. I realized that nothing I had to say meant a damn to anyone else.

I learned to listen, listen to other people, seems that's what people like about me anyway, the fact that I can listen." Her voice held a slight bitter edge. "Makes for a perfect whore don't you think." She laughed suddenly. And Miranda bit back a sob at the pain she knew Alex was feeling. "Whores are a lot like psychologists. You can tell them anything and you know it won't go any further." She took a deep breath and raised her left arm to brace her hand against the wall. "I tried to talk to people for awhile, tell them how I felt, tell them what things hurt me and found out no one really wanted to listen. The only time I could capture attention was when I was silly, told jokes, acted like a clown. It was the only time I was not invisible. When I made people laugh or when I made them angry."

She wiped angrily at the tears on her cheeks. "Whenever I seriously talked to people like my family or so-called friends I could see them zoning out on me. They'd become patronizing in that way when you know they've stopped listening to you, or wish you'd just shut up, but just kept nodding or smiling at me like I was some kind of Goddamned idiot." She stopped for a moment to collect herself. "So I learned to shut up, or just act like a clown. That way everyone was happy. No one had to be bothered with anything in my insignificant little mind. And still everyone, the adults in my life were telling me 'come to me with anything honey. You can tell me anything, we love you no matter what. You can trust us. We'll protect you'." She sobbed out loud. "But no one was ever there to protect me. How could I tell them anything when no one ever wanted to listen to me." A ragged cry escaped her lips but she regained control. "Still I was a good listener.

People told me anything; people still find it easy to tell me anything. I know more about most of the acquaintances in my life then most people know about their closest and dearest friends." She turned around and met Miranda's eyes. "I used to pray everyday and night, for someone I could talk to - someone who'd take care of me, someone who thought everything I felt was important. It doesn't work like that though does it?

People never really want to know how you feel. They really want to know, how they already think you feel, or how they want you to feel. Every hurt I've had I've had to push it deep somewhere inside, pile it on top of the shit already there, to keep myself sane. Because I knew I'd fall apart. I'm afraid of going insane, it's always been a terrible fear of mine." She crossed the room covering the distance between herself and Miranda. She sat on the bed. "I've had to protect myself for so long, I don't know how not to."

"Jesus, Al," Miranda began, "You can trust me, but I don't know how to make you see that, how to make you know that." Miranda moved to her knees and moved closer to her lover and cupped the woman's cheeks in her hands. "The pain you carry inside of you is eating you alive. Tearing you apart a little every day." She gazed into wounded eyes imploringly. "Some days you withdraw so far inside of yourself that I'm afraid you'll never find your way back to me. And wherever it is you go ... whatever nightmare you get drawn into, I hurt that I can't be there with you, that you won't let me fight beside you.

I'll chase the demons away, keep them at bay if you would only let me, Al." Miranda's voice broke and she closed her blue eyes for a moment and when she opened them again they were brilliant and glistening with unshed tears. "Al," she breathed the woman's name out as though in anguish, "don't push me away. We'll go to counseling. We'll get help if you want to do that, I'd be beside you every step of the way. You ... I need your trust as much as you need to trust me. I need you to believe that I would never judge you, that I would always protect you, body, heart, and soul. I'll be your champion. I'll be your knight, charging the fortress to free you from the demons that imprison you."

Miranda's hands moved from her lover's cheek to comb through her lover's hair. "Don't you know that I would do anything for you. I love you, with all that I am, Al." Miranda looked away, anguished, her hands dropping helplessly to her sides. She shook her head sorrowfully and her shoulders sagged in defeat. "I don't know how to make you believe in me, believe in us."

Alex stared at her dark haired lover. The woman's emotional outpour staggered her. Fear loosened its stalwart grip as she reminded herself that love and trust were all about taking chances. She was certain of two things: she loved Miranda and nothing was worth losing her.

"Miranda, you are my Fortress."

On to Cravings

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