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BEAST
by
Disclaimer:
Warning: implies consensual roughness: no graphic sex
© 2001 - Dec19, 2002
It was the worst attack yet. I never knew when it was going to happen and this time, like all of the others, left me trembling and afraid of what I might do. I was vaguely aware of faces floating in front of me, voices engaging me in trivial conversation but it was like a hazy, waking dream. My responses were automatic and whether or not appropriate, I could not tell. All I could concentrate on was the buzzing in my head, the invisible tightening band around my brain.
My skin burned where people brushed up against me and the murmuring of conversations around me was like a constant drilling sound in my ear. I thought I might scream or strike someone - too many people. Too many bodies surrounding me ... my clothes were hot and restrictive, and I knew I had to get away.
I drove home, my nerves frenzied and my skin tightening about my muscle and bone. I felt the craving; a craving to pull over and run from the car, tearing away the clothes that were suffocating me, to escape the trappings of skin and rip away the flesh squeezing my bones. I wanted out ...out of my skin. I could feel it at the back of my throat, the scream building up and cutting off my air passage and I knew that this was what dying felt like. But I drove, mindless of the sweat dripping down the sides of my face, the sweat soaking those restrictive clothes. 'Breathe. I need to breathe. Gods! Please get me home.'
Home. I sat at the wheel for a long moment, staring up the drive at the house, my home... our home. Our home. 'I shouldn't be here. She's here. She'll know. I'll be exposed. She'll see me. She'll see me.' In all the time we'd been together, I'd never allowed her to see me. Not this me. Not this vulnerable beast on the edge of falling. 'I'll just walk in and go to my study. She won't know. She won't see.'
I climbed from the car, every part of me itching ... itching to scratch, to claw, and bite at the world. And I went inside. She was there in the living room as I entered it. I closed the door behind me. My jaw tightly clenched, I struggled to keep my hands from balling into fists. 'Gods, my skin is too tight. Too tight and choking me.' I could smell the soft scent of her cologne and the fragrance drove through to my brain like a rivet and I glared at her, barely aware that she was speaking to me. I merely stared at her and she stood up suddenly and looked at me, a curious and frightened expression on her face.
"Stay back," I begged silently. I couldn't speak - couldn't get the words out. My tortured gaze, I'm sure, was torn between that feral mask of rage and pure fear - fear for her. She moved towards me and I'm sure I must have growled because she flinched suddenly and then stopped for a moment. But there was quiet intent in her expression and inside I was screaming, "No! Gods, please! I don't want to hurt you!" I spun around to reach for the door, realizing what a grave mistake it had been for me to come here. I should have gone into the woods. 'Why hadn't I?' I should have gone to a bar and picked a fight. But never here, with her - not like this.
She moved quickly, her hands grabbing my arms as I clasped the doorknob. Her touch burned my skin and I spun about with a yell, "Don't!" and pushed her away, as gently as I could.
"Don't run from me," she whispered softly. "I want you."
"You don't know who I am," I hissed at her gruffly. "Here," I hit my chest with a closed fist, "under the skin." I turned to open the door once more, and again she grabbed my arm. I spun us about quickly and shoved her back against the door, holding her there, pressing against her - both of us breathing raggedly, her eyes wide with fear and desire. "You don't want this," I warned, with a low, gravelly hiss.
"Yes," she gasped softly, "I do." It was a brutal kiss as my hands grabbed the flimsy front of her blouse and ripped the material, exposing her for my touch. She breathed in sharply at my hungry growl. My lips forsook hers for the taste of her throat as I bit and nipped at tender flesh, ever so close to breaking the skin, but she held my head to her with her fingers laced through my hair, guiding my head lower to her right breast and then she arched desperately for my lips and hissed with rapturous pain as I bit down, suckling hard, waiting for her - to beg me to stop. She didn't. She moaned huskily, whimpering, "yes," and ground her hips against me. I pulled away from her and stared, my eyes taking in the rapid rise and fall of her breasts and the rapidly bruising bite marks I'd made on her perfect skin.
She shoved herself away from the door and stripped away the remainder of her clothes as I eyed her like a predator. She moved away from me towards the hall. I followed quietly - stalking, watching the sway of her ass and the perfect line of her back. In the bedroom she stopped in front of the bed, her back to me and I closed my eyes, trying to still the quaking rage as I approached, grasping a fist full of baby-soft hair and then yanking back until she winced and was pressed against me. "I'm going to hurt you," my voice trembled as I whispered savagely in her ear. My teeth sank into her the exquisite flesh of her neck and she cried out quietly and groaned with bestial pleasure.
"I know," she arched back into me. "I know."